


But I'm a God

by VivyLovesHorror



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half-Life
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:08:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivyLovesHorror/pseuds/VivyLovesHorror
Summary: Benrey's dumb and pining, and thinks he's invincible.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 104
Kudos: 319





	1. But I'm a God

Each day I see him walking down the hallway…

  
His bouncy long curls that he pulls back into a low ponytail…

The orange lensed glasses that frame his face perfectly…

That edgy ass cut on his eye brow...

And the dark brown freckles that lay upon his sun kissed skin…

There’s about 145…

I’ve counted.

And I wanna grab him. 

Everyday I see him, and wanna take his hand, and tell him how cute I think he is.

I wanna say “You’re the reason I show up to work everyday.”

“You’re the reason I look forward to anything.”

“You’re the reason I wake up in the morning.”

But I’m a God.

And what true deity shows an emotion who would leave themself so vulnerable to hurt and pain?

A God creates.

A God destroys.

A God watches, and manages.

But a God does not love.

So I seal my lips.

Yet, despite myself, I trail after him.

He scolds me, as perusal.

And I bask in the glory that is his attention.

Negative or positive, it’s him… He’s talking to me.

And I love that…

I love his voice… and I love just being around him…

Standing in front of him…

I zone out as he yells and hurls insults at me. And I bullshit a response when it’s my time to speak…

I never really pay attention to a word he’s saying.

So when he asks me something, a stare blankly with a pause before saying… “What?”

It pisses him off.

That tickles me.

The way he gets so angry over the slightest things.

I wanna tell him “I’m doing this on purpose, you know?”

But I’m a God.

Why would this stupid human need to know my mode of operation?

It’s irrelevant.

So I follow him into the lab again, despite his requests- or, rather- Demands me not to.

Fuck you bro.

Didn’t you know? I’m a-

It doesn’t matter.

Right now they’re doing some sort of experiment.

Nothing major I can deliberately make go wrong- at least, not to the extent that the last experiment did. 

I don’t think anything will ever provide me with as much time with him as being trapped in Black Mesa did.

No… Today they’re just mixing some bullshit chemicals together. They mix together and make a lovely color.

Tommy makes some remark about how the color and the tiny bubbles remind him of some soda he likes… Blue Raspberry Fanta, he says.

I smile as an idea pops into my head.

I grab the beaker and say flatly “I’m gonna drink it.”

Gordon asks what the fuck is wrong with me, and Coomer offers to take the chemical from me in exchange for 5 play coins.

Sure this thing is dangerous, and Gordon is gonna think I’m crazy…

But I’m a God.

And he already thinks that anyway, so… What’s one more show of idiocy to keep the ball rolling?

I guzzle the chemical before him.

It’s warm…

And it tastes  _ vile _ .

I honestly wanna fucking puke…

But I’m a God.

I can handle it.

So I smile ever so slightly and stand in accomplishment as Gordon looks at me in befuddlement. I look at him back smuggly.

Those eyes…

God those eyes…

Keep them on me forever…

I’d do anything.

I’ll do the craziest shit for the rest of time if it means your eyes are on me…

Me and no one else.

Tommy asks me what it tasted like, and I replied with something vulgar that made Gordon’s cheeks turn red.

I go silent and freeze as I see his expression.

His embarrassment and shock…

So cute...

This is why I never do basic and natural human things, like idle swaying, or humming, or really even conveying any emotion or tone that isn’t monotone and stiff.

When I see that face, everything will stop anyway.

And everyday, I make it my goal to see it at least once, no matter the cost.

That’s the thing about him, though… He adapts, and changes so fast.

Those crimson cheeks I’ve grown to love could appear at any time of the day, depending on who says or does what, whether it’s a repeating action, or for the first time ever.

It could happen any moment with such a cast of strange characters.

So I stand still, waiting for that moment.

The flow of things just goes much smoother that way…

I mean- sure…

I could do all that stuff…

I could sway back and forth comfortably. 

I could tap my foot against the floor.

I could whistle, and hum…

I could even stimm if I wanted to.

And when that flustered blush appeared on his face, I could stop.

I could freeze up and cease all motion.

I could stand flabbergasted by the sheer adorableness of his flusteredness.

And everyone could notice…

He could notice…

He could probably get a hint that I’ve been crushing on him for ages now.

He could realize that I’m huma-

But I’m a God.

So what the hell would I do all that for?

I end up cackling at him like a super villain, and it further exaggerates the reddish hue on his cheeks.

Fuck…

It’s so damn cute.

So I have even more determination to follow him throughout the day.

At break time, he mentions how he wants his twitch channel to really take off.

He talks about the games he streams.

He talks about not being the best, but having so much fun.

He talks about wishing he had a buddy to stream with.

And I want so badly to volunteer.

To stand up, slam my hands on the table and just shout “I’LL DO IT!” 

To stay up to the break of dawn over discord, doing my favorite pastime with my favorite person.

But I’m a God.

And that’s just…

. . .

A melody and colored bubbles escape from my lips after I’ve spaced out.

I cover my mouth but it’s too late-

My true emotions are there, hanging in the air in front of me in such vibrant colors.

Yellow to Green means I’m yearning…

And of course Tommy tells him that.

_ Blabbermouth _ .

He asks what I’m yearning for, a pang of annoyance in his voice

And I reply “For you to get good, scrub.” before taking a bite of pizza as he scowls at me.

Attention…

His eyes are still on me…

I continue to pursue him during the work day.

Annoying him…

Getting yelled at.

Doing dangerous and stupid acts…

It’s all worth it.

It’s pretty fun, actually.

The end of the day comes, and I exit the building, following behind the Science Team.

Before dispersing, I want to bug him one last time…

“Feetman,” I announce, approaching him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

Heh…

Feetman.

I never really say his name that often anymore…

Hell, I don’t even think it...

Something about his name just sends me into a strange sort of rebooting mode.

I stop and think about him.

Images of him flash through my mind, and everything he’s said to me suddenly comes rushing back.

It’s like a punch in the gut and butterflies all at once.

So yeah…

Sure, he hates it when I call him “Feetman”.

But I’m a God.

I can call him whatever I want.

He turns back, seeming exasperated, and says “What d’you want Benrey?”

Butterflies.

Fuck.

What was I gonna say?

I-

I know, I’ll just bug him about his passport again-

“Make sure you bring your pa…”

. . .

What…?

.... 

Wh-....

Why am I so dizzy…?

. . . 

I-...

“B-..bring your passpor…”

Why is everything going black…?

Jesus Christ my stomach-

I hear something wet hit the concrete, and suddenly-

I lose control of my limbs and fall backwards as the world fades away, into a far off place…

I reawaken in a hospital…

Attached to all sorts of machines, with all sorts of tubes in needles in different places.

I stammer as I find it difficult to open my eyes.

It’s so damn bright...

But there beside me I see- 

Gordon…

Images and scenes of him replay in my mind, flashing into my head.

After that, I’m suddenly aware of where I am…

…

I’m in a  **_hospital_ ** .

I hear the heart rate monitor begin to beep faster as my heart begins to pound out of my chest. I jolt up, and Bubby jumps out of his seat and instructs me to lay back down while gently pushing me back onto the bed.

I can’t keep up with my breath…

My throat feels like hell, and my stomach is burning.

“W-...What’s happening?” I ask, frantic emotion in my voice.

And for the first time, I actually listen to Gordon.

“You reacted badly to the chemical you drank earlier- now you’re in the Black Mesa infirmary…” he says. I feel my eyes widen and my jaw drop a bit, my mouth now slightly ajar. “Jesus fucking- you absolute IDIOT!!!! What the FUCK is wrong with you?! You could’ve died! You almost DID die! God, do you know how many times we had to resuscitate your dumbass!?”

What…?

…

No, that can’t be right… 

There-... Was an actual  _ consequence _ to my actions this time around…?

It doesn’t make any sense-

I’ve done far worse than just chug some chemical without this happening!

…

And now I’m in a hospital…

I-...

. . .

“B-...But I’m a God…”


	2. Not Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey gets replaced, gets confused, and feels emotions.

“What?” 

Gordon said.

“The fuck you mean you’re a God…? No you’re not!!! If you were a God, you wouldn’t have puked up your guts on the sidewalk and ended up here!” he yelled at me, his fists clenched into a tight fist.

“I know!!!” I screamed “I sho- I shouldn’t be here!!! Something’s wrong!!!” I replied impulsively, not being able to control the shaken tone in which my voice took.

I was confused…

I was scared.

…

I never thought I’d know that feeling….

Fear, that is.

I did such reckless things on a daily basis…

Sure it hurt.

Sure…

But I always bounced back.

I healed before true permanent damage set in, and if I did somehow die, it always resulted in my reincarnation as a skeleton, and then my normal form…

But this….

This is different…

This isn’t a broken bone that instantly got fixed.

This isn’t a burn that healed.

This isn’t…  _ right _ .

“What the fuck is going on…?” I muttered to myself as I felt myself trembling involuntarily.

I guess that’s when Gordon picked up on the fact that I was serious.

His face went from annoyance and fury, to concern in a flash.

Concern…

For…  _ me _ .

That was a first…

Though, in the moment, I wasn’t able to truly appreciate it with all the thoughts of panic and fright ringing throughout my head like an alarm.

“How is this happening?” I thought,

“Why?”

“Why now?”

“Why me?” 

And then, it happened…

Time halted, everything losing its color, and turning monochrome... and before me stood my superior, dressed in a despairing black suit, and seeming as stone-faced, and grim as ever.

“...G-Man…” I said. I looked around me… As I suspected, everyone except for us two were frozen in time…

They can’t hear or see me…

…

Good.

Cause I’m about to lose _ my fucking shit. _

I try to sound intimidating. 

I try to sound tough and demanding.

I try to sound unphased…

But I end up whimpering my words, my lips quivering with fear.

“...W-..what di-... what did you do me…?” I ask him. 

I internally cringe at myself.

I’m unable to hide my fear and confusion.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he said, monotone and unfeeling.

I always did try to imitate him when keeping a straight face…

But the difference between us is…

This comes naturally to him.

It isn’t a front…

“I took away all of your abilities.” he tells me.

It is then… that I feel my whole world…

Shatter...

. . .

“The fu… The fuck do you mean you took them away?!” I asked, “Who gave you the FUCKING RIGHT TO-”

“This is exactly why I took them from you, Benrey.” he tells me. “Look at you…”

I pause…

I stare at him, hoping he’ll elaborate. 

And he does…

“You’re too unstable, Benrey. You’re too unpredictable and spontaneous. You try to imitate me and act stoic, and so you end up with these emotional outbursts of such grandeur… And even within those moments you never say how you truly feel…”

I grip my bed sheets.

I grip them as tight as I can…

I need something, anything, to ground myself…

This can’t be real…

. . . 

“I take it you have nothing to say for yourself.” he said.

In despair, I lower my head in defeat.

“Don’t look so down. It can’t be helped… That’s what prototypes are for after all… Trail and error.”

Fuck you.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you FUC-

“So, while we’re here, why don’t I introduce you to your replacement?”

. . .

“My  _ w h a t  _ ?” I question.

I can feel my blood begin to boil.

I want to scream.

I want to punch him…

Frankly, I want to kill him…

But what am I to do…?

...He’s a God…

“Do you want to see or not Benrey?”

I don’t respond. 

I keep staring at my bedsheets in disbelief, gripping them as tightly as I can with my trembling hands, threatening to rip the fabric.

“I understand if it’s too muc-”

“ _ Take me to see him. _ ” I reply foolishly with my anger.

He nods and begins to walk off.

I look down at my arms and carefully disconnect the tubes from the needles in my arm.

I get out of bed and immediately notice how weak my legs feel. 

I almost collapse to the floor, but he catches me.

“Careful there.” he says, as if he actually fucking cares about me.

_ God _ , I wanna knock his teeth out.

He leads me out of the infirmary…

Out of the facility…

Into the desert…

. . .

I recognise this spot…

“This is where Coomer lost his marbles….” I say aloud...

Then I notice he’s staring at me.

I grimace and look at the sand beneath me.

He leads me up the rocky slope into…

Nothingness.

A complete void with nothing but a checkered pink and black floor, indicating a texture error.

I knew there was nothing out here already, but…

Damn…

I can see how thinking there’s life beyond the facility, and being greeted with…  _ this _ … Could mess someone up big time…

Poor guy.

I walk with him deeper into the area…

It feels cold...

It feels...forbidden.

Barren…

Why did I ask to come here…?

After enough walking, we meet our destination.

I look up from the floor beneath me, to see the new character model.

. . .

I don’t know how to feel…

He’s standing motionless, eyes open as he hovers ever so slightly above the floor in a T- Pose position.

His hair is jet black, just like mine.

His eyes are brown, and he has a stubbly face…

“His name is Barney Calhoun.” my superior tells me “He’s perfect, isn’t he?” he asks “A higher quality texture, and of course, I’ve made sure he’ll be able to express his emotions in at least semi-normal manner, and he will be calm, collected, and have a mild sense of humor as stated in his default settings.” he said “Gordon will like him, don’t you think?”

“Do you like him?” he asks me.

No…

No.

NO I DON’T FUCKING LIKE HIM!!!

He’s everything I was  _ supposed  _ to be.

Everything I  _ can’t  _ be.

Everything I’m not…

You’re rubbing my flaws in my face...

And you ask me if I fucking like him?!

He doesn’t even have the capability to fcking breathe yet, and I already  **_despise_ ** him.

But I can’t do anything…

So I stand there, shaking with fury and weakness.

“. . . He’s great…” I mutter through grit teeth.

“Good…” he says, before turning away and leading me back to the facility. 

My legs give out before we actually make it inside.

Dizzy and lightheaded, I fall to the ground.

My stomach, churning, and burning.

I feel like lava is gonna spew from my guts and burn my throat.

This feeling is insufferable…

. . . 

“Oh dear,” he says almost robotically, “You’ve fallen.”

He bends over and picks me up.

. . .

Fuck you.

He carries me back inside, and I sit there in his arms, dazed and helpless.

. . .

...Just fuck you.

He lays me back into bed and reconnects my IV tubes into the needle once more.

. . .

Fuck you...

“One last thing…” he said.

I don't look up from my bed sheets. 

I begin to grip them once again at the sound of his voice…

It infuriates me.

“W h a t ?” I ask, annoyance clear in my voice.

“I’ll be giving your powers to him.” he told me.

. . . 

“Except, I won’t be telling him he has these abilities once I activate him. I feel like that’s where I went wrong with you. I told you that you couldn’t die. And you got reckless.”

. . . 

...what is this…?

. . . 

Why do I feel so… betrayed…?

I’ve never felt a fury so hot and burning-

I feel as if I weren’t immobible, I’d murder him…

Those…

Those were  _ mine _ .

Those aRE MY POWERS!!!

Y-...

You can’t-

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!” I yell involuntarily.

I can’t help it.

I’m so mad I-

I just wanna-

“YOU CAN’T  **_DO THIS TO ME!!!_ ** ” I scream, my blood boiling, “I’M **_A GOD!!!_ ** ”

“Not anymore.” he says.

“I’m special!!!” I say.

“Not anymore.”

“I-... I used to have infinite times!!! I had infinite chances!!!” I yell as my eyes begin to sting.

Wait…

Why do my eyes sting…?

“For what?” he asks me curiously.

“FOR GORDON!-” I accidentally shout before covering my mouth and feeling my face heat up with embarrassment.

. . . 

He chuckles.

“Oh, Benrey, you never had infinite time or chances with him I’m afraid…”

“What the fuck do you mean?” I ask him shakily.

“Isn’t it obvious…? Or are you just that oblivious as to how life works…?” he asks.

“STOP FUCKING WITH ME!!!”

“I’m not.” he says “Do you really think that’s how it works, Benrey?” he asks.

“You think he won’t get tired of you…?”

I freeze as he asks that question.

“I-”

“You think that you have all the time in the world to sit around and watch him without taking action? Do you think that there aren’t other people that actually  _ do  _ take action? Actions that don’t include annoying him to death?”

. . .

“Do you really think he’s waiting for you? Is that why  _ you’re  _ waiting for him?” he asks.

. . .

“I apologize. I’m sure this sounds mean-spirited and rude to you. I’m sure you’ll despise me more than you already do for this… But it’s the truth you know that, don’t you?”

. . .

“Even if your self-proclaimed ‘God’ status… what makes you think… that you control how he feels about you…? That you can do whatever you want to him, and that he’ll somehow fall in love with you…?”

. . .

I-...

….

I-...

He leans in, and whispers to me “Now, with your limited time, how, pray tell, do you intend to make up for all you’ve put him through…?”

I feel as if I’ve gotten the wind knocked out of me, as I suddenly realize…

It’s true…

. . . 

He’s right…

. . .

He hates my guts, if not, he at least dislikes me.

. . .

How..

How do I…

How  _ do  _ I do it…?

How do I make up for the hell I put him through…?

. . . 

_ Can  _ I even do it…?

The suited man chuckles ominous and steps back from my bed, spreading his arms out, with an unsettling smile.

“Welcome, to your redemption arc~” he says, and then-

Everything regains its color.

Time begins flowing again, and all the sounds of the hospital return to me, as I sit in my bed.

Shocked, and empty, as I stare at my pale hands.

“Benrey what do you mean you’re a God…?” Gordon questions me, clearly confused and concerned.

My breathing shallow and shaky, I look up to him trembling.

My eyes…

They sting…

The sting so much…

Confused, I begin welling up as I try to open my mouth and form words…

. . .

“Not anymore…”

Were the two words I stammered out…

Before I shed my first tear...


	3. Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey has a whole ass existential crisis.

I spent a few months in the infirmary. 

After work hours I was lucky enough to have the Science Team visit me…

Gordon sits beside me and smiles at me gently.

He tries to have small talk, and I listen…

For the better part of my stay in the infirmary, I wasn’t really able to give a response.

I was too mentally exhausted, and physically... I was going through torture… Trapped in my own shell of a body with self deprecating thoughts as I reflected on my life, my stomach and throat causing me an insufferable amount of pain…

Even if my esophagus wasn’t on fire half of the time, the heavy medication they put me on to ease the intensity of the pain my stomach was causing me always sent me into a daze...

With each passing day I learn more about him…

What games he likes…

All his mains…

He plays DPS….

I could imagine standing behind him and healing him whenever he needs…

And yeah… I play support.

I bet he thinks I’m a tank or something…

I wished I could tell him that I want us to play together.

I wished to say “Thank you for visiting me”.

I wished to just say something…

Anything.

But I can’t…

Though, then again, I’m lucky to be alive right now…

So I bide my time… 

Wait until I heal.

I’m out of the hospital a few months later.

My throat’s healed, though a bit scratchy at times. It’s not nearly as bad as it was when I first got the injury. If anything, it just feels like I have a sore throat from a cold.

My stomach’s healed a bit too.

I was lucky enough to escape with just an ulcer…

No more eating gamer fuel for a while…

Heh…

I’m back at my normal position in Black Mesa…

I watch Gordon walk by…

. . . 

I don’t trail after him this time…

. . . 

I shouldn’t bug him…

. . . 

I notice him glance back at me before he reaches the end of the hallway… 

It must be weird for him…

To not have me chasing him around and bugging him.

. . . 

What do I even do now…?

Why is there even security at Black Mesa…? It’s not like anyone can actually infiltrate this hell hole that isn’t already affiliated with us…

Or… is my job to keep things  _ in… _ ?

. . .

I don’t even know what I’m here for…

Tch...

Sad, isn’t it…?

. . . 

I really am pathetic, huh…?

. . . .

I never wanted to be security for this place…

I always wanted to be… 

One of them…

A scientist.

I’d actually be...  _ Useful  _ then.

But no…

The boss programmed me to be a guard.

So I stand here…

I guess that’s all I can really do now…

Without my powers… what am I…?

. . .

I look at my hands, pale and calloused…

I just… stare at them…

…

_ “What am I…? _ ”

The thought echoes throughout my mind for what seems to be hours, as my surroundings, and any background noise, fades out of existence around me…

My mind is so busy, with so many thoughts, and yet, nothing is happening…

I-...

It’s too much to handle...

I can feel my mind slowly detaching from my physical form, as I think about everything in silence, and slowly lose my grip on reality.

. . .

_ Why was I made? _

_ Is there a purpose for me? _

_ Was I really only a prototype?  _

_ Is that the sole reason of my existence…? _

_ Can I ever be anything more than that? _

_ Am I really that pathic…? _

_ That my only purpose was to be a failure to improve upon…? _

_ What would Gordon think…? _

_ What would Tommy think…? _

_ Coomer, and Bubby… _

_ They’d think I’m even more pathetic than they already perceive me to be… _

_ What am I without my powers…? _

_ I- _

_ My- M-My finger tips… _

_ I can’t feel my fingers… _

_ Why do I feel so empty…? _

_ This silence is deafening. _

_ I don’t wanna be alone with my thoughts, I- _

_ What am I? _

_ Who am I? _

_ What is this? _

_ I don’t understand I- _

_ Why do I feel so  _ **_terrible?!_ **

_ Why do I suddenly…  _

_ S-..Suddenly… _

**_Hate_ ** _ myself? _

**_Hate_ ** _ existing…? _

_ I don’t understand. _

_ God, Jesus, I don’t  _ **_UNDERSTAND!!!_ **

_ Make it stop… _

_ ᵐᵃᵏᵉ ᶦᵗ ˢᵗᵒᵖ ᵐᵃᵏᵉ ᶦᵗ  _ **_ˢᵗᵒᵖ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ɪᴛ STOP_ **

**_M_** ** _A_** ** _K_** ** _E_** ** _I_** ** _T_** **_S_** **_T_** **_O_** **_P_** ** _!_** ** _!_** ** _!_**

. . .

_...ᵂʰᵒˢᵉ ʰᵃⁿᵈˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉˢᵉ ᵃᵍᵃᶦⁿ…ˀ _

. . .

~~~~

I gasp as I’m awoken from my day terror with a pat on the shoulder.

Suddenly I regain awareness of my surroundings, and my ears are ringing from the sudden shift from silence to… well, normal quietness. With idle chattering, and all the distant mechanical sounds of the facility.

With great confusion, I look around, and to my left I see…

. . . 

“Hey man, are you alright…?”

...those were the first words I heard  _ him  _ say…

My replacement.

I freeze as I look at him… finally breathing and in motion...

His face is soft, and laced with concern.

I don’t know how to feel…

My stomach churns as I look at him, my heart racing.

Instinctively, I stagger back a bit.

“I-...I… I’m fine…” I stammer out.

“You sure…?” he replies.

“Y-...yeah.” I say…

I know it’s obvious that I’m freaked out.

I can’t hide it though…

How am I supposed to hide my terror about what just occurred…? 

I d-...

I mean… I guess that was inside my own head…

He doesn’t know what I just went through…

Hell, he doesn’t even know my name yet, does he?

Should I hide it, and just say I’m okay…?

. . . 

I should.

After all, I’m lucky to be alive…

I’m lucky that G-Man hasn’t just… deleted me.

Well-

Perhaps he’s too lazy to do that…

All those Coomer clones that were just running rampant throughout the facility before Tommy basically annihilated them all….

Me being here is an act of negligence… not mercy.

. . . 

I think that makes me feel even worst…

Yet, despite myself I smile weakly at him as I avert my gaze to the wall beside me.

I can’t bear to look at him…

“Yeah dude,” I reaffirm “I’m fine.”

The man before me frowns a bit.

He can tell I’m lying… I just know he can tell…

But I turn away and clear my throat.

. . .

“So uh, what’s your name…?” He asks me.

“Benrey.” I reply plainly.

“Oh, cool! Our names sound kinda similar! I’m Barney.”

...Don’t sound so damn happy…

“Yeah…”

There’s a brief silence between us. 

I hope that maybe, he’ll pick up on the fact that I don’t want to talk...

But-

“So, how long have you worked here?”

Fuck.

He’s persistent.

“12 years.” I respond, trying to sound as flat and monotone as I used to.

Maybe he’ll lose interest in me.

“Woah! 12 years, huh…? I just started here a few days ago…” he chuckled “So, mind if I ask you how old you are…?”

“35.”

“35…” he repeats quietly while leaning over to get a good look at my face. “Well, you certainly don’t look it!”

I deadpan.

This dude’s fucking cheesy.

“Yeah, well, I am…” I say, looking away once more “....how old are you…?” I find myself asking as I look down at him.

. . . 

Why the fuck am I actually engaging in conversation with this guy…?

“I just turned 20…” He says with a smile.

I wince and look at him in shock “Holy shit you’re just a kid!” I blurt out.

“Huh?!” he says “I’m not a kid!”

I try not to cringe at this awkward situation.

“I mean- I’m sorry… I just… haven’t seen anyone this young in the facility for… a while.” I say, awkwardly scratching my arm.

Jesus…

Why do I feel fucking ancient now…?

I’m not even really 35, that’s just the age the boss assigned to me...

...But still…

_ Just turned 20? _

You’re fucking with me.

You mean to tell me that  _ this guy _ was only 19 a few days ago?

Whack.

“Ah… I-I get it, don’t worry…” he says, pulling me from my train of thought once more. “Sooo… Since you’re more experienced, wanna train me? Or- Or show me around or something…?” he asks me.

I look down at him.

Now that he isn’t just a floating, T-Posing, lifeless model…

He’s kinda short looking…

. . . 

“Yeah, I’ll show you around” I say.

Not like I have anything better to do.

Not anymore…

Though, as I have this kid following me throughout the building, asking questions, and looking awe-stricken…

I quickly grow bored.

I begin walking aimlessly and just pointing out whatever stands out in the area, my mind wondering…

Until-

“Hey, what's behind this big door…?” Barney asks me

“Hm…?” 

I look up and see…

“Ah… that’s the door to the lab…” I say. “You… shouldn’t go in there…”

I was lucky to ever have the privilege to go in there…

To spend time with Gordon, and Tommy, and Coomer n Bubby...

I look up at the door and almost instantly, and array of emotions over come me.

It feels like I got hit with a brick of nostalgia and… pain.

I stare at the door longingly, with all sorts of confusing feelings welling up inside me…

I get the feeling I used to get before a melody and bubbles would unintentionally escape me…

But instead, I just… let out a sigh.

. . .

Is that what I’ve been doing all this time…?

Sighing…?

...Very...melodious sighing…?

. . . 

Huh…

“Why can’t we go in there…?” he asks me.

“Not our territory, kid…” I say as I turn away. “Welp, that’s the end of your tour.”

I begin to walk off and he trails after me.

“What’s wrong Ben?”

“Don’t call me Ben.”

“Okay, but what’s wrong?”

“You just called me Ben, that’s what’s wrong”

“No, I mean wha- ah forget it…” he relents.

. . . 

I shouldn’t treat him like that…

I’m lucky he even wants to talk to me…

. . .

Hell… I think he’s the first person here to actually come to me first…

“...It’s a long story.” I say “‘Lotta stuff happened in and below that lab...a lot of memories I… cherish…” I say…

I can feel myself tearing up…

_ Shit… _

“But I can’t go back there anymore…” I say, my voice wavering.

“...Why not…?”

Why not…?

…

There’s a thousand reasons I could give to not go back there…But I guess the one that stands out above all others is… 

I pause, stopping in my tracks.

“...Have you ever known someone for years, and suddenly realize how much you’ve hurt them…?” I ask, not bothering to turn around and look at him.

Sadly, I smile, because I hear him suddenly stop in his tracks as well.

“Or, better yet… have you ever been in a group, and suddenly realized… ‘I don’t belong there’...and it turns out… you were never a part of it…” I say, letting my feelings slip out.

My words, my sadness, looming over us, and hanging in the air. It’s a stifling, somber feeling.

“That bigger picture you’ve always dreamed of…” I say, my voice beginning to waver “...turns out to be unattainable…”

“And you realize…”

“You were just lucky…”


	4. What are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey hates himself and doesn't know how to socialize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, before you read this chapter, I hope you know I read all of your comments, and I am literally SO ecstatic that people are enjoying this, and I appreciate your guy's feedback <3

“... Benrey…” Barney calls out to me.

But I don’t wanna hear it.

I just-

I just don’t.

“Just go take your break or something kid.” I say as I finally continue walking forward.

But he grabs me.

I jerk and turn around to look at him with the meanest look I can muster.

But that look of pure innocence and concern shoots straight through me like an arrow.

“I’m only taking my break if you take it with me!” he says determinately.

. . . 

God dammit.

I groan before taking my wrist back from his grasp.

“Fine.” I relent with a sigh.

His face softens into a friendly smile and he grabs my wrist once more and drags me along with him. 

Up the elevator, through the halls, into the break room.

I sigh and take a seat with him at the small table there.

“So, what have you got to eat?” he asks me

“Uuuuhh…” I reply.

I don’t have anything, actually.

You know what my apartment is filled with?

Junk food.

And y’know what I can’t eat right now?

Junk food.

And guess what the only thing I can ever afford to eat is…

Ding ding ding!!!

Fucking junk food.

“C’mon, you don’t have to be embarrassed about what you brought. I know some people are kinda weird ‘n judgmental about food, but I don’t really have room to be.” he says with a chuckle “All I’ve got with me is a bag of Takis right now.” he says, pulling out the aforementioned snack from a bag he had been carrying with him.

It had been previously opened and the top of the bag was rolled to a close…

Watching him unravel the rest of the bag and reopen it and just made me even more aware of how empty my stomach is...

I look at the bag of chips and go silent as I subconsciously put my hand on my stomach.

Quickly, I avert my gaze and grumble beneath my breath.

I tried to speak aloud but-

Something in me just doesn’t wanna say it.

“What was that?” he asks me.

I groan and speak loud enough to be barely audible.

“I don’t have anything…” I mumble.

Barney visibly perks up and smiles as he holds out the open bag towards me.

“Want some?” he offers.

The aroma of the chips wafts into my nose and I can feel myself slowly dying inside.

I groan and put my forearm over my face to mask my misery.

Fuck-

Just-

F u c k.

Why’d it have to be my favorite snack, that I literally  _ cannot _ eat?

Lucky son of a bitch… first, he takes my likeness.

Second, he takes my place.

Then, he takes my powers.

And  _ NOW  _ he’s taking my favorite snack.

You just love flaunting everything I used to have in front of my damn face, don’t you, you little shit…?

And you have the nerve to be all friendly about it…

Fuck you.

“I can’t….” I grumble.

“Hm..? Why not? Aren’t you hungry?”

“I-I am but…”

Barney chuckles a bit “Don’t tell me you can’t handle a little spice.” he remarks teasingly.

I tense up and clench my fists.

“I will actually kill you if you say that again.” I say. 

I know he doesn’t know this, but spicy foods are among one of my favorite things in this world- second only to video games, and Gordon.

“Come then just have some Ben!”

“Don’t fucking call me Ben.”

“Just tryyy it”

“I told you, I  _ can’t _ ”

“Come on why no-”

“Oh my fucking- GOD DAMMIT I HAVE AN  **_ULCER_ ** can you  _ PLEASE  _ stop interrogating me now?!”

Taken aback by my sudden yelling, Barney recoils and frowns.

“Oh…” he says.

“Yeah,  **_‘oh’_ ** ” I say mockingly, clearly irritated.

There’s a brief moment of silence between us.

I think…

I think I was a bit too harsh on him…

. . .

He was only trying to help.

And sure he was a bit annoying, but he was just teasing…

. . .

I sigh.

“I’m sorry…” I say “I just… I’ve been having a rough time lately… Guess I’m kinda…” I pause as I search for a word “...irritable…”

“...That’s okay.” Barney says with a smile “I can tell you’ve been through a lot. And I know you’ve only just met me, but I am not giving up on you!”

“H e h ?” I say in confusion.

“You heard me!” he says, standing up and slamming his hands on the table. I jump a bit in surprise as I look up at him. “You’ve picked the wrong guy to have a mini-heart to heart with if you think I’m going to forget about you! I am literally the most stubborn, annoying, and clingy guy you will ever meet, and I’ve already decided that  _ I am never leaving you alone. _ ”

I stare at him…

I wish I could hide the look of complete and utter befuddlement on my face, but I can’t.

The fuck is wrong with this dude…?

Is this guy literally just me, except, with good intentions?

Oh jesus, oh fuck-

I pinch the bridge of my nose.

I can already tell he’s going to annoy the fuck out of me.

He grabs my hands and swiftly pulls me out of my seat.

He wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to his side.

Yep.

The annoyance is setting in.

“Step one of becoming your best security guard buddy is getting you something to eat!”

“Uh-huh.” I say plainly in response.

There’s a brief pause, a moment of awkward silence between us.

. . .

“I’m kinda broke though” he says with an awkward chuckle.

I groan and break away from his grasp “The fuck did you offer for if you knew you didn’t have the money in the first place?!”

“I just remembered that I spent like all my money yesterday on bills ‘n stuff, it’s not my fault!”

“How the fuck do you just forget that?!”

We go back and forth with this silly little quarrel.

I’m certainly not as mad as I thought I would be meeting this guy…

I thought upon seeing him, I’d hate his guts.

I thought the sight of him would be unbearable.

I thought he’d fill me with an unexplainable fury that’d make me see red.

That he’d remind me of what a failure I am.

…

But he doesn’t.

To an extent, I am mad at him…

But I’m more mad at myself than anything…

If I wasn’t so reckless, he wouldn’t have been created in the first place…

He didn’t  _ ask  _ to exist…

Finally, I sigh and relent before I just so happen to look behind him and get a glance at who’s standing in the doorway.

My heart practically stops upon seeing him there…

It’s Gordon, of course.

I freeze and stop all movement.

. . . 

I didn’t even realize I had been moving.

Swaying and tapping my feet impatiently…

I hadn’t even become aware of it until all of a sudden froze.

…

I stare at Gordon as I feel my heart start to pound.

I haven’t talked to him in ages…

The only sort of interaction we had was in the infirmary where he’d keep the dazed, bedridden, sick me company…

It was out of pity, I’m sure…

I don’t have any family to visit me, after all…

But I don’t need his pity.

I don’t need it- I-

I don’t want this anymore…

Negative attention…

What the fuck was past me thinking…?

Was I really that desperate for affection that I’d sit and absorb every ounce of attention he gave me…?

G o d….

I really  _ am  _ pathetic…

I cringe at myself as I realize I was staring at him, before averting my gaze…

But…

I can’t help but take glances at him..?

What is he thinking? 

I-

I can’t read him anymore-

I-I have no idea what he’s thinking- I-

It’s driving me insane…

Why is he just  _ standing  _ there?!

Fucking do something!!! Say something!!! 

Anything!!!

I-

I can’t do it myself, I just-

I don’t know how!

I never knew how!

So just-

Say something!!!

**_PLEASE!!!_ **

I suddenly notice I’m gripping that sides of my helmet out of stress-

It must be obvious that I’m panicking now.

Barney is looking between us, picking up on and being confused by the obvious tension.

I cringe more at the apparent awkwardness of my own making.

“Um…” Gordon finally says “Is this...a bad time…?” he asks.

“Y-YES!” I blurt out.

Regret immediately hits me as I see the look of mild disappointment on his face. 

“I-I mean no!!! I-I mean- Kind of?” I stammer, stumbling aimlessly across my words for an answer.

I have no idea what to say…

I’ve never spoken to him without the aim of pissing him off…

. . . 

God…

How toxic is that…?

I can feel myself cringing as these thoughts course through my mind...everything bad I’ve done replaying in my head and hitting me with an extra smack of regret and disappointment.

My awkwardness couldn’t be more blatant.

“Do you want me here or not?” he asks bluntly.

“Y-YES!” I say perhaps a bit too eagerly.

“I need to talk to you in private if that’s okay…” he says.

“Y-Yeah that-. That’s more than okay…” I turn to Barney and quickly mumble a half-assed “excuse me” before following Gordon out of the break room.

We walk down the hall in silence for a bit.

Each passing second fills me with more and more anxiety.

W-What is he thinking?

Why’s he wanna talk to me?

I don’t get it…

I look down at my shoes as I follow him aimlessly.

There are so many emotions this silence is allowing to run through me I-

I feel as if it’ll overflow and I’ll burst into tears.

Is this some sort of punishment?

Does he want me to just feel guilty?

I’ve already been feeling guilty enough for the past few months I-

This is cruel…

But I guess I deserve it

As I begin to tear up and finally open my mouth to speak, he gets his thoughts out before me.

“...You confuse me y’know…?” he says as he stops in his tracks.

I stop behind him and look up at him, awaiting his next words.

“Like… I’ve always known you to be that annoying guy I could just never get rid of. And everyday when you’d follow me, i’d think ‘ _ Jesus, _ could you just  _ go a w a y ?’  _ …”

I wince and turn my attention to the floor guiltily…

What should I say…?

How do I even respond to that?

Before I could get a sound out, he continued.

“You did all sorts of weird and crazy shit, every fucking day. You got on my nerves you- You basically fucking bullied me for days on end, and after the incident, after I thought I defeated you, you just  _ continued _ ….”

. . . 

“And like- you fucked with my mind so fucking bad, that when you fucking  _ threw up and passed out in the goddamn parking lot _ , I thought it was some sort of elaborate ruse to fuck with me again!!! Do you know how goddamn TOXIC you have to be to make someone think that?! To make someone believe you passing out is some sorta goddamn trick?!”

I grip my sleeve and begin to cry silently.

I let him continue.

I deserve this.

I know I do…

And he deserves to let it out.

. . .

“And yet-... I panicked… I scooped you up and took you to the infirmary… Even after all the  **_HELL_ ** you’ve put me through, I was so concerned… I wanted you to live… I mean- of course I did- I-... I guess… there’s a part of me that cares for you for some reason… And when you woke up I got so GODDAMN  **_MAD_ ** because you- I just- I don’t know what the fuck to expect from you!!! Even though I care about you, how can I  _ trust _ you?! I didn’t trust you! At all! I-” he pauses and groans in frustration “I was so sure that after you woke up you’d get right back to fucking with me, so I yelled at you!”

. . . 

“And then you said ‘But I’m a God’ … and all that’s going through my mind is ‘Oh, here we go again.’, ‘No you’re not you fucking idiot! Look at where you ended up!’”

. . . 

“But you-....you looked so  _ scared _ …. You said ‘I shouldn’t be here’ and I heard- no, I-... I  _ felt  _ such genuine fear in your voice… And suddenly, I got scared too because- it hit me… you were right. You  _ shouldn’t  _ have been in there. This wasn’t a joke… None of your jokes ever ended with you in the hospital… I guess… I was just- I was so confused… I was like ‘what do you mean you’re a God?’ and you just… you looked so…  _ broken… _ and you said… that you weren’t anymore…”

. . . 

“And the realization… The goddamn reality hit me… You didn’t think you were human… and…. I guess I never really thought you were either… And I… I never really treated you as an actual  _ person _ after a certain point… I dunno when we reached that point… I spent so many work days just thinking about… how fucking fucked that is… I just…no matter how hard I try…. I just…. I  **_can’t_ ** figure you out…”

And with that, Gordon turns around to face me, staring down at me as he asks the question.

“So, Benrey… tell me…”

. . .

“What are you…?”

What am I…?

. . .

Despite not thinking I’d have an immediate answer ready, in a beat, the thing I pathetically whimper is…

“ᵃ ᵐᶦˢᵗᵃᵏᵉ…”


	5. Wrong Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey tries to commit die but Gordon says no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter gets a little heavy and includes a suicide attempt, so please don't read this if you don't think you can take it.

“...What…?” Gordon said, confusion clear in his voice and on his face as he looked at me.

And then-

Shock.

He suddenly looked surprised, taken aback by something.

He must’ve noticed I’m crying.

Trembling, even.

You see how pathetic I truly am now, don’t you…?

“Benrey…” Gordon says. 

He sounds concerned.

I can tell that’s not the answer he wanted…

But it’s the truth.

“What’re you talking about, man…?” he asks me.

I feel as if I’m going to collapse under this pressure.

The severity of the situation is stifling.

I-

I can barely breathe, but I manage to form words by sheer impulse.

“I’m not supposed to **_BE_ **here anymore!!!” I exclaim.

Gordon frowns as he listens to me.

I guess it’s my time to really explain what’s been happening.

“I-... I was just another prototype! I’m not special!!! I- I’m no better- no different then all those Coomer clones that were running rampant in the facility a few months ago!!!” I yell. My voice begins wavering as I try not to sob mid-sentence. The weight of all I’ve done in the past is slowly crushing me… “And I know… I know I was horrible to you, I-.... I didn’t think that it mattered at all, because I was a ‘God’. I thought I could do whatever I wanted to you, and you’d still accept me, because I was special! I-... I just wanted your attention!”

“Why though?! Why me?! Why use me for your sick games?!”

I feel my stomach churn, and tie in knots.

I don’t wanna say it.

Not like this…

But I don’t deserve to tell him in a romantic way.

I don’t deserve to fufill my fantasies.

They’re unattainable…

And Gordon deserves answers…

“B-...because…” I choke out, trying desperately to force it out.

My heart feels like it’s about to pound out of my chest-

My legs- no- my whole body suddenly feels weak.

I feel like I’m about to collapse on myself…

No-...

Pull it together.

You can’t fall apart.

Not yet…

“Because of what?!” Gordon asks firmly.

I open my mouth only to close it again.

I can’t say it…

He grabs me by my shoulders firmly and demands I tell him-

“Because of WHAT Benrey?!” he asks “Just spit it out will ya?!”

I’m trying to…

I swear to God, I’m trying so hard…

“Come on man! You owe me this! You owe me an explanation for what you put me through! For what you put _EVERYONE_ through!!! JUST FUCKING SAY IT!!!”

. . .

“ᶜ⁻ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᴵ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ…” I finally choke out through a whimper.

Gordon freezes.

“What…?” he asks.

**_“BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!”_ ** I scream.

And right then, right there…

Is when I truly fall apart.

My trembling legs give out beneath me, and I fall to my knees.

Uncontrollably, I begin to sob and cry.

Almost a years worth of pent up emotions is shooting out of me.

I must look hysterical..

I hiccup and sob as I bend over and press my forehead against the floor.

I periodically gag before I continue to cry.

God, what must he think of me…?

He must think I’m pathetic.

I _am_ pathetic.

I’m a monster…

“What…?”

“I’ve been-” I choke out between sobs “I’ve been in love with you ever since I saw you… 10 years ago…” I say…

Damn…

It’s really been a decade, huh…?

“Ever since you started working here- I know you don’t remember me… I look like every other security fucker in this place! But I-... I’ve worked here longer than you… And the first day you walked through that door, I knew you were different…” I said “And I know… I know you probably don’t believe in love at first sight…. I don’t really believe in it myself… But I spent-... I just- I spent so long observing you, I just- I guess I… It just happened…”

. . .

“D’you remember...that guy who just waved at you shyly everyday…?” I ask, trembling.

“D’you remember the guy who left notes in your locker to talk to you…?”

“D’you remember the guy who got a cold, so you let him stay in your office while you filled out paperwork…?”

“Do you…?”

. . .

“...I do…”

“I never really stood out to you though, did I…?” I ask “So I-” I sniffle and sob pathetically “I don’t know!!! I just- I became obsessed with you!!! I just- I wanted your attention!!! But I didn’t know- I didn’t know how to talk to you!!! ….and then G-Man told me one day… he told me… I was chosen to be given a gift… to be given powers… I was special, I just didn’t know it-… I could finally stand out- so I… I…”

“...So you tormented me.”

I nod as I sob pathetically. I cringe and curl up into a ball as I try to disappear. “I wanted you to notice me! In any way!!! I didn’t care if it was because you hated me or not, I just wanted your eyes on me! I know…. I know how sick it is… how fucked up I’ve become…” I sob “But it was all a lie!!! I was just a mistake!!! A prototype!!! I’m no different than those Coomer clones Tommy massecred so- SO-”

“So why don’t you just kill me too…?” I ask in a whimper.

“W-..what…?”

Without thinking, my trembling hands reach for the gun in my holster…

My body moves on it’s own as I emptily crawl to Gordon’s feet.

I take the gun out of my holster, and put it in his hand…

Gently, I raise his arm slightly…

And press my forehead against the barrel.

I look up with him, tears and despair in my eyes.

“ᵏᶦˡˡ ᵐᵉ…” I beg in a whimper. 

“ **_p l e a s e. . ._ **”

I just wanna die…

I don’t have a place here…

I never did…

But if I have to die, I wanna die by the hands of the man I love…

Please…

P l e a s e.

This is the one time…

The ONE time I want you to pity me…

Pity me…

End my misery…

_Please…_

. . .

To my surprise, without hesitation, Gordon throws the gun to the side and screams “NO!”

Confused, I look up at him.

I-...

I don’t understand.

Don’t you want me gone after all I’ve done to you?!

Why are you keeping me alive?!

Just so I can feel even worse about it?!

No...

No!

No more!

**_I can’t tAKE IT ANYMORE!!!_ **

“I’ll do it myself then!!!” I exclaim as I reach out for my gun.

But before I can touch it, he kicks it, and it slides across the floor to the other end of the hallway.

Almost instinctively I get up and sprint down the hall for it.

He runs after me.

He’s right behind me.

But I’m faster than him.

I pick up the gun-

But Gordon immediately grabs my wrist and tries to take it from me.

But I won’t let him.

no...

_NO!_

Can’t you see this is what needs to be done?!

Apparently he can’t.

He’s still trying to pry it from my grasp.

In a panic I fire a shot in the air in an attempt to shock him off of me.

It works.

He lets go for a split second, and in an instant I put the barrel in my mouth.

All of a sudden, a gut wrenching pain overcomes me.

I drop the gun and double over in pain, as I realize…

He punched me in the gut.

 **_Fuck_ **.

The pain is overwhelming...

I gag, and I vomit…

I begin coughing and writhing in pain.

Sobbing and hiccupping…

I see Gordon take the gun and open the elevator, throwing it in, and letting the doors close it in.

I’m a mess..

I’m a failure…

I’m a mistake…

“W-...why…?” I ask “ **_WHY WON’T YOU LET ME DO THIS?!_ **” I scream out.

“ **_BECAUSE YOU’RE MY FUCKING FRIEND YOU ASSHOLE!!!_ **” Gordon screams out in reply. He drops to his knees beside me and pulls me close.

“You’re my goddamn friend…” he says… and I hear him… sniffle.

Is..

Is he crying too…?

“I-”

“No, shut up! I don’t wanna hear you say any more of that bullshit ever again!!!”

“But-”

“EVER AGAIN!!!” he says, sobbing “And if you wanna hang out with me more- just- just fucking SAY SO you physcopath!!!”

“Actually I’m a sociopath” I say jokingly between sobs as I hug him back.

“WHAT FUCKING EVER!!!” he yells out “You gave me the wrong answer… You’re not a mistake! You’re _HUMAN_! You’re a fucking human just like any of us!!! And I NEVER wanna hear you talk about yourself like you’re less than that EVER FUCKING AGAIN!!!”

. . . 

“Why don’t you ever just… **_talk_ **to me, huh…?” he asks “Why do all this…?”

“Cause I have aspergers and I also kinda never learned how to talk to people…?” I say, confused as to what answer he wants.

I don’t know what you wanna hear anymore…

I guess I never really knew…

I guess I should just say what’s on my mind.

“A-...And I- … I … I dunno…. I don’t know what this world wants from me… I just do whatever and hope it results in something good…. That’s all I know now…” I say. “And of all the things, of ALL the things he could’ve made me, he made me a gay sociopath who can’t socialize to save his life…”

. . . 

“Benrey… Have you… have you ever looked around you, and realized that everyone… everyone around you is different…? We’re all… individuals… You’re not gay because someone made you gay… you’re not a sociopath because someone made you a sociopath… and you don’t have aspergers because someone made you have aspergers… you have all these things because that’s _who you are_ , Benrey…” he said “Have you ever considered the fact, that not every aspect of your identity is some sort of factory preset…?”

. . . 

“But that… it-...it doesn’t make any sense…”

“ **_Nothing_ ** makes any sense, Benrey!!!” Gordon says tearfully “That’s just… how _life_ works…”

. . . 

“I’m not… I don’t like it… I’m not used to this- I don’t know how to live anymore!!!”

And then he said the line that’d change my life…

The line that made me realize… 

I’m not alone…

. . . 

_“Then let me help you…”_


	6. It Feels Nice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey gets a hug and takes a nap.

In his embrace, I melt…

Despite the pain in my stomach, I feel how I felt when I first saw Gordon…

Warm…

Warm and appreciated.

I relax and let tears of relief cloud my vision…

It feels nice…

To be reassured…

To be told you’re wanted…

To be held like this…

. . .

I needed this, didn’t I…?

. . .

...Please…

Never let go…

Shaking, I lean into him further, putting almost all of my weight on him.

He doesn’t seem to mind.

I relax and close my eyes.

I feel drained…

But I know I can lean on him.

Despite all I put him through, I can trust him to help me…

He  _ wants  _ to help me...

I can…

I can be more than just a prototype…

I can be his ally…

I can be his friend…

I can be…

A human…

. . . 

“D-....” I finally start to speak again, shakily “D-..d’you really think… that you can fix me…?”

. . .

“Fix you…?” Gordon asks “No… I can’t fix you. Because you don’t  _ need  _ to be fixed. Nothing about you is broken… You just need guidance… Guidance and acceptance, and- and encouragement… that’s all… and I’ll do everything in my power to give that to you… Just-” he chuckles a bit “Just don’t cut off my arm again…?”

I chuckle as well, my voice still shaking as tears continue to run down my face “Deal…”

I wrap my arms around him weakly….

And for a moment...

It’s peaceful…

. . .

It feels nice…

. . .

I bury my face in his shoulder and exhale shakily as I try to calm my heartbeat.

He puts his hand on my back and gently rubs it in an attempt to soothe me.

He cares about me…

…

It feels nice…

. . .

God, this sounds so cheesy, but I…

I feel like I’m falling in love with him all over again…

I wanna stay like this forever, I-....

I just wanna hold his hand.

And play video games and-

And- and goof around after work…

I wanna be able to hug him, and feel this sensation- the complete euphoria I feel, knowing that he cares about me-

I-I-

I just…

. . .

It feels nice…

I sniffle, and pull away from the hug.

He’s thinking…

That much I can tell…

He looks far off like he’s concentrating on something-

But then he notices me.

He looks down and… he smiles at me gently.

. . .

He puts his arms under me and stands up, carrying me.

Blushing, I hide my face in his shoulder.

Burying myself in the warmth of his lab coat, the adrenaline finally subsides.

“I’m gonna take you to my personal office. You can rest there until me ‘n the rest of the Science Team are done experimenting, alright…?”

I nod and humm in agreement…

I feel so safe and secure letting him carry me like this…

He’s strong…

I mean-

I guess I knew that.

He just punched me in the stomach not too long ago.

But..

Y’know…

I can enjoy it in a pleasant way now…

It’s nice…

So nice…

He sets me down in his cozy office chair, and covers me using his winter coat he had hanging up.

He smiles at me again.

I smile back…

“There  _ is  _ something else that’s been bothering me about you though…”

“W-..what…?” I ask nervously.

“Your helmet.” he says “You never take it off… You never even took it off while you were in the infirmary…. Why…?”

Embarrassed, my cheeks begin to heat up.

“I-I-” I stammer “Well- um-... M-...my… hair… it’s-”

“I’m sure it’s fine.” he reaches over and grabs my helmet on both sides, lifting it up.

I can feel my heart practically stop as he stares at me.

. . .

“Huh…” he says.

Fuck-

“L-Listen, I know some parts of my hair have no texture, I was designed with a helmet and I wasn’t meant to take it off!!!” I look down in frustration and groan as I feel my heart begin to race once more.

“No…” he says, and I can hear a smile in his voice “It looks kinda cool…”

“I-... you think so…?” I say as I look up at him.

He nods.

“Now relax.” he says, putting my helmet down and off to the side. 

“I’ll see you later.” is the last thing he says to me before finally returning to work.

Leaning back in his chair, I snuggle up into his coat with this familiar, cozy and sweet feeling…

Smiling, before as I close my eyes…

The last 3 words that cross my mind before I slip into a peaceful slumber...

“It feels nice…”


	7. Tommy likes Mean People.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey realizes he has family he's been shutting out.

Warm and comfortable as I’m nuzzled into Gordon’s coat, I’m awakened by a gentle tap on my shoulder.

I try to ignore it, and keep myself curled up tightly into my warm and cozy little safe haven.

But it happens again, this time a bit more firm.

Begrudgingly, I groan and wince before opening my eyes, and before me, I see 2 people.

“T-Toms…? Barney…?” I ask before stretching and yawning.

“Sup?” I ask as I rub my eyes and sit up in my seat.

“Mister B!” Tommy exclaimed “I was so worried about you!!! Are you alright?! You’re not hurt right?!”

I sigh, too emotionally and physically exhausted to fully process what exactly he’s fretting over.

“Huh…?” I ask.

“Mr Freeman told me that you were- You know… feeling….”

I tense up and look visibly a bit shaken as I look to Tommy in disbelief.

There’s no fucking way he told everybody….

_There’s no_ **_fucking way_ _he-_ **

“Sick.” Tommy finishes “He told us you got a bad stomach-ache and puked your guts out before fainting again. D’you need to go to a doctor?” he asks me, genuine concern on his face.

I see Barney frown a bit.

He looks at his knees and grips his pant legs.

. . .

He’s biting his tongue.

_ He knows. _

“Nah… I’m fine Toms, thanks…”

“A-And another thing!” Tommy starts back up again.

“Hm…?”

“I’ve missed you Mr B!!!” he says.

I look up at him rather blankly and then notice... 

He’s tearing up.

“Why’ve you been avoiding us…?” He asks, his voice wavering, the tears in his eyes getting bigger and globbier. He tenses up and shrugs his shoulders as he clenches his fists “I don’t understand what we’ve done wrong…” he says before blinking and letting the tears roll down his cheeks. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut and waves his fists up and down in frustration “We were so super worried about you for months!!! And you never talked to us or even tried to over those months- and I thought when we came back everything would be okay again! I thought you’d follow Mr Freeman to the lab like you always do, and we could get back to having fun! But you just stood there and watched like you were some sorta normal security guard with no purpose!!!”

I see Barney look up and deadpan at Tommy a bit because of that last line.

It takes me a bit of will power for me not to snort a bit at that.

Tommy doesn’t seem to notice though and he keeps going “So what the heck man?! Why’d you do that?!” he asks tearfully.

I sigh and look up at the ceiling.

“Cause Toms… I was never really a part of your group…” I say.

“Wha…?” he questions as he opens his eyes and looks at me in confusion.

“...I was only ever the villain… The conflict… I wasn’t your friend… I-... I’m not a part of the science team…” I say “I’m a security guard…”

There’s a brief moment of silence between all three of us.

I look down from the ceiling to see Tommy clenching his fists and looking rather angry.

“Bullshit!!!” he shouts.

_ Instantly  _ I’m taken aback.

“W-woah little dude, what’s with the swearing all of a sudden?”

“Don’t you call me’ little dude’ right now, no more games Mr. B I am  _ two years older than you, _ tired of being treated like a kid and tired of your shit!”

“Wait, you're 37?” Barney quietly and offhandedly says in surprise.

“T o m s, chill!!!” I say.

“No! No, I will not chill!” Tommy says, raising his voice “I’m tired of everyone being stupid for no reason!!!”

“I’m not being stu-”

“YES YOU ARE!”

“TOMS!”

Tommy slams his fist onto Gordon’s desk beside him.

“Are you seriously saying that cause you’re not a scientist?!” he asks “Cause that’s so stupid!!!”

“I’m saying that because it’s true! I haven’t done anything but hurt you guys and-”

“Friends hurt each other all the time! It  **_HAPPENS_ ** **_!_** God! We’ve all been worried sick about you! And- And don’t act like we can’t see that this about Mr. Freeman, cause it clearly is!” he says.

I go silent and look down.

“Yeah…” Barney says “About that Gordon guy…” 

Tommy goes quiet and turns his attention to Barney as to let him have the spotlight.

“...You love him, don’t you…?”

Embarrassed, I avert my gaze from the two.

…

I do love him…

God, I love him so much…

Why is it so embarrassing to admit…?

…

Is it cause I know he doesn’t love me back…?

. . .

“I…” is the only word I’m able to force out of my lips, before closing them again.

“He does.” Tommy answers for me. Which- of course he does. “He’s been in love with him for a decade now.”

I can feel my cheeks heating up and going red.

I don’t say anything…

I swear, nothing ever stays a secret with this kid...

“D’you know if he likes you back…?” Barney asks curiously.

I look down at my hands.

“I don’t…” I say.

“I’m… I’m pretty confident that he doesn’t…” I tell him.

“But... I can’t make my feelings for him go away… I… I don’t know how.” I try my best not to tear up “I… I just he’s so kind- and so cute… every time I look at him- I just wanna know what it would be like if I could just- just hug him… Hold his hand…” I say, my voice beginning to waver as I start to crack “But I know he’ll never feel the same way towards me- and it… It  **_hurts_ ** , man!”

“Benrey…” Tommy says “I know you love Mr. Freeman, and you care a lot about what he thinks of you, but regardless of what he says or thinks about you the rest of the science team is still your friend!!!”

“But-... Bubby.. I… put him-”

“In his tube? Yeah! That sucked for him and he hated that! But he forgives you, you know?” he said “We all forgive you! Friends forgive each other!!! Even though that was really weird and stupid and bad, we could all kinda tell you were going through something… But you wouldn’t let us in…” he says before taking my hand and looking me in the eyes.

“Mr B… will you please let us in now…? Or at least… let  _ me  _ in…?” he asks “As your best friend…? I wanna help you...”

. . .

I smile slightly and sigh.

“Yeah…” I say “...I’ll let you in.”

Tommy smiles and subsequently pulls me in for a hug, holding me tight.

“Mr. B, I’ve known you for a long long time… I remember when you were just that shy little security guard who stammered while even trying to say hi to us… I remember how red you turned when you came out to me, and how shocked you looked when I told you I was lgbt too… I remember crafting schemes with you to help you get closer to Gordon without having to talk because you were so  _ awkward _ . I remember… just hanging out with you. Wanting to do everything together, take on the world and conquer it with my best friend. But you’re more than just a best friend to me now… You’re basically  _ family _ . And _ you know _ how much trust it takes for me to call someone family… You’re not gonna get rid of me that easily y’know…? And- of course, you’ve changed. You’ve changed _ so much _ … But you’re still you...and I love you Mr B… You’re like a little brother to me… I’ve watched you change and grow, and regress, and hopefully you can grow again… I’m rooting for you Mr B…. I always have been… So don’t count me out… Don’t push me aside… please…” he tells me tearfully.

. . .

Sniffling, I hug Tommy back tightly as tears cloud my vision.

I guess that’s one crucial thing I forgot about him…

One thing that I couldn’t be more grateful for in this moment...

. . .

Tommy...likes mean people.


	8. Warm Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey gets a gift that makes him very happy.

After a bit of sniffling and quiet sobbing I let go of Tommy.

He pulls back from the hug and smiles at me gently.

Awkwardly, I avert my gaze and chuckle sadly.

“This is more crying than I’m used to… I usually don’t cry… ever… but I’ve been doing a lot of it lately.” I confess through awkward chuckles.

“And that’s alright!!!” Tommy says with a smile “I want you to let out your emotions Mr B!!! It’s good for you!”

“Yeah…” I say, my voice growing softer.

I go silent and notice that I have begun to uncomfortably scratch at the skin on my arm.

Self stimulation…

Haven’t done that in a hot minute...

I let him yell cause he was clearly upset and needed to let it out but-

_ Man  _ he hurt my ears.

Usually my helmet slightly muffles any sounds around me, allowing me to relax but-

I don’t have that on.

And he was  _ yelling _ .

And with how long my nails have grown, it kinda hurts…

But it keeps me grounded so….

Who cares?

I choose an item to look at before staring off into space momentarily, getting lost in my own thoughts….

“Um…” I say tentatively, catching Tommy and Barney’s attention “Could you maybe not be so loud next time…?”

I hear Tommy gasp a bit and begin talking a bit softer “I’m sorry! I forgot you have sensitive hearing…”

I chuckle.

“Toms, it’s fine.” I say.

“Soooo….” Tommy says “Me and Barney were talkiiing…”

I deadpan and look back towards them and say “About what?”

“About… things.” Barney chips in awkwardly.

“Spit it out.” I say, my patience running thin.

“Fine, fine.” Barney says, “I noticed how sad you looked when thinking about the past ‘n all the stuff that happened in the lab… I mean- I have no idea what happened there… but I can tell you wanted to  _ be  _ there...Be a part of whatever you were ‘lucky’ to be a part of before. That you  _ want  _ to belong…” he explains “Soooo….” he continues “I went down and talked to your science buddies, and-”

“We could always use a couple of security guards to make sure no baddies come in and hurt us!!!” Tommy chimes in excitedly.

I pause and look at them wide-eyed.

“...what…?” I ask, confused.

“Yep! You heard me Mr B! I know it may feel like you can’t but- you can come down to the lab any time you want!” Tommy says.

. . . 

I mean…

I guess this shouldn’t come as a shock to me…

No one really ever stopped me from going in there except myself…

I guessed I had just assumed they hit their limit with my bullshit after what happened…

“D-...Did  _ everyone  _ agree on this decision...?” I ask tentatively.

Tommy and Barney both nod at me with a smile.

. . .

“Even Gordon…?”

“Gordon was the first one to voice his approval, Ben…” Barney tells me with a smile.

I blush and feel my heart flutter slightly.

I-...

I slap my cheeks lightly and shake my head.

_ Keep it together. _

I sigh a bit and put my helmet back on.

“Well, let’s go then.” I say with a slight smirk.

Barney smiles and hugs me unexpectedly. “Heck yeah, let’s go Ben!”

I freeze up and tense and begin to say “Don’t call me-” before sighing and relaxing.

This guy’s just gonna ram his way into my life huh…?

Jesus fucking Ch-

Ugh… whatever...

I relent and pat his back while sighing a bit “Yeah, yeah, let’s go…” 

Barney lets go, seeming astonished I haven’t pushed him away.

He smiles.

He fucking  _ beams  _ and flaps his hands a bit.

Quickly, he grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet before saying “LET’S GO!!!” and dragging me off to the lab.

Tommy perks up and runs after us shouting “Wait for me!!!”

When we reach the door or the lab, I look up at it…

It…

It feels weird to be here again… 

After months of ...just nothing…

Nothing but fear and avoidance because of what I had done…

Is it  _ really  _ okay to be here…?

What if… what if they’re just relenting and letting me come back because they feel bad…?

What if they’re just taking pity on me because they see how truly pathetic I am?

What if Tommy and Barney are just telling me what I want to hear…?

. . .

I shouldn’t go in there.

I  _ can’t  _ go in there, I-

I still don’t belong…

They’re gonna hate me…

. . .

“M-...” I start hesitantly, stammering quietly “M-...maybe I shouldn’t…”

“Of course you should Mr B!” Tommy says encouragingly with a smile “Let’s go!”

He’s not letting me refuse-

Oh fuck, oh shit-

I-

He opens the door and pushes me through without hesitation.

I stumble through and struggle to get my balance for a moment as I look at the ground.

However, when I’m in a stable position, I…

I continue to stare at the tiled floor beneath me.

I just… I just can’t bring myself to look at Bubby or Coomer.

I know Toms and Barney said that everyone agreed to have me here but…

It just…

Feels wrong…

I should leave.

I need to lea-

“Ah! There you are Benrey.” I hear Bubby say.

I don’t take my eyes off of the floor but I can tell that he’s approaching me-

Fuck-

God, what do I say?

“H-...Hey…” I mumble

“It’s been a long time since we last talked- Well- since we last had a conversation that… y’know… wasn’t one sided.”

“Y-..yeah… sorry..”

. . .

“Why the long face?” I hear Coomer question, his voice still as joyous as I remembered it to be.

I frown and tightly grip the fabric of my sleeve.

“I-...I haven’t…” I stutter “I haven’t been feeling well…” I say.

“Oh no!!!” Coomer responds “Gordon, in exchange for 5 play coins, I can give Benrey a hug on your behalf!”

“What the f- I can just hug him myself!” I hear Gordon respond

“But I want to hug him, Gordon!”

“Then hug him!!!”

“This action requires 5 play coins, Gordon!” 

I hear Gordon groan in exasperation, presumably relenting.

And..

That’s when I get it.

A big warm hug from Dr. Coomer. 

Heh…

I’ve been getting a lot of these lately…

Coomer hugs me a bit closer, as if with urgency to embrace me.

“It’s good to have you back…” he says, his voice softer than usual, and filled with sincerity.

I hug him back, patting his back gently.

It almost makes me want to cry…

But…

I don’t deserve this…

Any of this…

This affection…

Real or not…

I don’t deserve it…

But regardless, I thank him quietly.

He lets go of me...

I keep my gaze directed to the floor.

“I see you’ve reverted back to your more quiet ways dear Benrey!!!” Coomer says, his voice back to being joyous just as before.

“Uh… y-..yeah… wait- you remembered… that that shy guy was  _ me _ ?”

“It’s quite hard to forget someone with a permanent shadow over their eyes!!!” Coomer announces with joy.

I can’t help but feel embarrassed and awkwardly squint my eyes as I scan the floor for something to focus on.

“R-...right… yeah… I guess that’s true.” I say.

“Speaking of which!!!” Bubby chimes in “I remembered how shit you are at communication!” he says.

I cringe at myself a bit and let him continue.

“Soooo, in case you ever have anything big you want to announce to us, and you don’t know how to say it real time… I got you this!” Bubby said before walking over and holding out something to me.

I look at it…

It’s…

“A tape recorder…?” I ask, taking the boy device.

“Man, this thing is ancient…” I mumble.

Bubby makes a slightly offended sound before saying “No!!! It is not!!! I got this at Walmart.”

“Wow… Ancient  _ and  _ cheap.” I say playfully with a slight smile.

“Fuck you. Anyway-” Bubby says “I’m sure you already know how this works. I also got you a bunch of empty cassettes to record on. I figured… you know… since you’re kinda bad at talking to people sometimes… This would be a great way to record your thoughts! Just let it out you know?!” 

“Ah…” 

“It’s no replacement for therapy, but I think it’ll be an okay placeholder until you get one.”

“Sure…” I say in agreement.

“Oh no!!!” Coomer announces “Benrey!!! You need a lab coat!” 

“What…? But… I’m not a scientist.”

“Nonsense! You’re in the lab Benrey, and when you’re in the lab, you need a lab coat!” he tells me.

I feel him take my hand and lead me to a small closet they have.

“Here! Here is a spare lab coat for you, Benrey!”

“Uhhh…” I say, taking the lab coat from him “T-..thanks…” 

I awkwardly put it on.

“You come and get one too #2!” Coomer announces.

“M-My name’s Barney…” Barney says as he walks over.

“Alright Baz! Come and get a coat!” Coomer says joyously.

“B- B a z ?” Barney questions.

I can’t help but cover my mouth and try to stifle a chuckle.

“You heard him Baz, come ‘n get your labcoat~” I tease.

“Oh fuck you” Barney chuckles a bit before putting on his labcoat.

“Now that you are wearing the appropriate gear, you and Baz and sit at our very neeeeew…~” Coomer says.

“Science Security Table ™!~” Tommy exclaims, finishing the announcement.

I finally look up and see Tommy and Coomer both excitedly gesturing to a table they set up. It has 2 chairs and 2 laptops.

I smile a bit in appreciation.

…

God, these guys are cheesy…

Chuckling, I thank them and go to sit at the table with Barney.

Once seated, I stare down at the tape recorder Bubby gifted to me.

Gently, I wipe my thumb over the holes on the speaker of the device…

It’s got a really satisfying texture…

But then-

. . .

I can just  _ feel  _ him staring at me. 

I look up from the tape recorder to see Barney just staring at me while beaming.

Ugh…

“What?” I ask.

“Do you like it?”

. . .

“This table was your idea wasn’t it?”

He chuckles a bit too “And Tommy’s!” he says.

I sigh and look back down at the tape recorder.

. . .

“Yeah… yeah, I do like it, actually…” I say with a slight smile.

“Great!!! I’m so glad!”

“Thanks Bazzy.” I say.

“I swear to God-” he says, before we both break out into a short burst of laughter.

“Oh! Benrey” I hear Bubby say before running over “I almost forgot. Your tape recorder comes with a little microphone, aaaand this!” he says before setting some stuff down on the table beside me “Feel free to listen to it, whenever you’re ready.” he says before walking off.

. . .

Listen…?

Listen to wha-...

Oh…

I look at the two objects he set on the table.

One is the small mic, and the other…

Is a cassette.

It’s labeled “TO: BENREY” in black marker.

. . .

Huh…

. . .

I get up and take the two objects with me.

I say a quick “BRB” before walking out of the lab, and towards the bathroom.

Entering the bathroom, I pick a random stall and sit down.

I take the tape…

I put it in…

And I let it play…

_ “Hello G- Benrey!!!” Coomer’s voice says, coming through the speaker of the tape recorder. “This is our official Black Mesa welcoming to you!!!” he says. _

_ “Now you may be thinking, ‘Welcoming to what? Well my dear friend, I believe Gordon would like to explain!!!” he says. _

_ “Um…” Gordon’s voice enters in awkwardly. “Hello… Benrey. Uh….” he says, sounding a bit lost for words “In the hall, a few minutes ago… All that stuff you said… It made me realize that-... That I don’t think I’ve ever really told you how much you mean to me… I mean- … Yeah… All that shit you did… it was annoying.. And it sucked, and- you put me through some bullshit… But… Before that… when you were just… annoying me…? ...I mean… I know I told you it was annoying and shit but like- … I don’t… I don’t mind your company you know…? A- And don’t take that as me saying I just tolerate you! I-” he sighs “I… I enjoy having you around… Like I said… you’re my friend… A friend who annoys the shit out of me? Yes. But a friend nonetheless… And y’know-... sometimes that’s what friends do… They annoy the shit outta each other and tease each other and-.... I… I think I would go so far as to say… now that I look back on it… Now that I’ve talked to Tommy, and I-... I know the way you work a bit better… I-... You’re not a bad person… You’re… one of my best friends, Benrey… I hope you know that. And I hope you know that- I really do wanna help you… In the hall you… you expressed a lot of thoughts that were uh… really unhealthy… so… I’ve been thinking of getting you a therapist. And- yeah, I know what you’re thinking ‘I don’t have the money’ You don’t need the money, dude… I got it… I got you… We all do…” he said before sighing “Okay… who wants to go next…?” he asked. _

_ “I will, I will!” Tommy could be heard exclaiming in the background. _

_ Shortly after, he comes up and begins to speak. “Mr. B!!!” he exclaims “I want more than anything to let you know that you are my absolute bestie and that I love you with all of my heart!!!” he exclaims “I’ve known you for 12 years now! And we’ve done a lot together! We’ve told each other our deepest darkest secrets, our biggest desires, all of that! We helped each other and built each other up for so long! We guided each other through dark times! ….A-..And… along the way… I lost you… Somewhere along this trail, you let go of my hand in this dark tunnel, and decided to take on the darkness by yourself… A-And I walked off, thinking that you were gonna be okay...but it was too much for you to handle. You lost your way, and-...and I lost my way to you… BUT!!! With my Black Mesa Official flashlight _ _ ™ we can get through any darkness! We’ll face this together!!! I-...In short... _ _ I want you to know that you’re basically my little brother and I could never ever EVER forgive myself if I let you go on without knowing how much you mean to me!!! Let’s never stop fighting the darkness Benrey!!!” he said. _

_ “Myyy turn!!!” Dr Coomer says before taking over. _

_ “HELLO Benrey!” he says “It’s been quite a long time since we’ve talked! … I’m afraid I don’t really know as much about you as Tommy or Gordon. BUT, what I do know is that I’ve worked here for EONS, and I have never thought of you as a bad person, Benrey! I remember the first time I met you, I thought it would be the only time! It was 12 years ago, and you had just started working here! You were doing I.D checks as you were trained, but you were so nervous you got your words jumbled up, and accidentally asked me for my passport instead! The look on your face was priceless! It was the look of a dying man, indeed! I reassured you it was fine and I showed you my I.D and went about my day! I assume you shared your experience with Tommy, because it actually became company policy! I find that to be hilarious! And I hope you stick around with us so I can get to know you better Benrey, I would be a pleasure!” he says before saying “Your turn dear!” and letting Bubby take over. _

_ “Ah- Yeah.” Bubby said “Hey Benrey… We’ve got through a lotta shit together over the course of that incident that took place here… And- yeah… You put me back in my tube. That fucking sucked!!! Never do that again!!!” he exclaimed “.... But other than that… We’re cool. I don’t know what you’re going through… Even though we talked back when we were trying to escape this hell hole, you never… fully let me in. You only ever vented vaguely about wanting to belong and- and Gordon… so… Me and the others decided to come together and make this tape… tell you all the reasons that you DO belong… And to finally officially welcome you.” he says _

_ “So…” he said before starting a countdown. _

_ “3…” _

_ “2…” _

_ “1…” _

_ “Welcome to the Science Team, Benrey!!!” everyone shouted in unison. _

_ “We hope from this point forward that you enjoy being a member…” he said. _

And that’s where the tape ends…

. . .

Covering my mouth with my hand, I sniffle…

. . .

...I guess…

I  _ do  _ belong...


	9. Bernard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey takes a nap, does some reflecting, and has a good time.

I come out of the bathroom sniffling and wiping my eyes with my sleeves…

Dammit.

I hate crying…

But lately… it’s felt so good…

To cry… 

To scream…

To let it out…

I’m still not entirely sure it’s okay for me to feel good…

I don’t… deserve it.

I’ve done such horrible shit to the Science Team…

. . . 

But…

They seem to think otherwise…

So I’ll go with it… and see how things work out.

I clumsily walk through the lab doors, my eyes tingling with the familiar sting that comes with crying.

Ugh… 

I think I’m honestly getting a fucking headache with how much I’ve been crying today.

So I continue trekking back to my seat whilst rubbing my temples, hoping for relief.

Groaning quietly, I take my seat and lay my head down.

“You guys gotta stop making me fucking cry, dude…” I say, gaining a chuckle from Tommy and Gordon. I chuckle a bit as well, the sound escaping my mouth weakly with my forehead pressed against the table.

Goddamn, I’m tired…

I just woke up from a nap but I already wanna go back to sleep… The sweet release of an undisturbed slumber…

I don’t think I ever took time to appreciate it before…

In fact…

I don’t think I ever even  _ slept _ for real with my powers.

I never needed to.

I was immortal, I never felt real fatigue, it was as if there was an endless source of energy surging through me.

The closest I’ve ever gotten to actually sleeping is feigning sleep near the Science team and then getting up to play games once they were all asleep… 

...huh…

I was really missing out.

Sleeping feels… So good…

I could just-

…

I cou…

. . .

  
  


I jolt up at the feeling of a hand lightly tapping me on the shoulder.

For a moment, I stammer incomprehensibly in a drowsy state of shock.

Frantically, I look around, and see it’s only Gordon.

I relax and rub my eyes while facing up to look at the man.

“W-...wha…?” I question wearily.

“It’s time to go man” he says with a smile “You fell asleep for the rest of the shift…”

“O-..oh shit, really…?” I ask before yawning.

“Yeeeaah… you’ve got a little… uh..” Gordon spoke awkwardly before gesturing a wiping motion against his mouth.

Confused, I wipe my mouth and blush when I see the damp stain that’s created from the drool I’ve lifted off of my face.

“W-woah-” I stammer.

Gordon chuckles and extends his hand to me “Looks like you had a good sleep there.” he said.

Blushing, I look up at Gordon with a bit of reluctance in my eyes… At least- reluctance is the feeling I’m trying to convey with my eyes…

I’m not sure if it’s working…

I dunno… if it’s okay to take his hand…

This is such a dumbass thing to fret over.

But it has always been a dream of mines to just touch his hand for a second…

God, that’s pathetic.

And really fucking obsessive.

I can feel myself receding into my lab coat as I cringe at myself…

My point is-

I don’t think I have the right to.

I haven’t earned it yet-

This has to be some kind of trick, right?

What if I do it and with that smile I’ve come to love so very much, he tells me that none of them meant any of it...

I-

No.

No- I’ve gotta stop thinking that-

Gordon said he wants to help me…

And I…

I trust him.

. . .

I take his hand timidly, and he pulls me up to my feet.

He smiles at me, and I can feel my heart flutter…

Ugh.

I feel like such a little school girl, internally fangirling over this dork…

. . .

But he’s so nice…

...I…

I feel like..

Before… When my powers were given to me…

When I was so obsessed over even the slightest sliver of attention from Gordon…

I…

I wasn’t really in love with him…

That’s… That’s not what love feels like…

Love feels like this… Warm, and comforting… reassuring…

And I had forgotten that for a long time…

What I was feeling not to long ago was… 

Well-I don’t know what it was…

But it couldn’t have been love…

They say you gotta love yourself before you love others… And…

I don’t think… during that period of time… I loved myself…

...I don’t know what I had love for.

Did I even feel any love for anything?

Really, all I did was latch on to Gordon as this- this idea… this  _ item  _ that would give me happiness if I captured it…

But Gordon…

Gordon’s not an item…

. . . 

Man…

How fucked is that…? 

That I have to  _ realize  _ that my crush isn’t an  _ item _ .

Gordon told me earlier… that he wasn’t entirely sure he viewed me as human for a period of time…

I guess that went both ways…

…

We were so fucking bad for each other…

…

Will we ever be good for each other…?

I mean-...

After all this..

Can we… make things work…?

E-Even just platonically…?

What if one of us falls back into the groove of thinking the other isn’t human?

What if we start treating each other like shit again?

Then what?

I don’t-

I don’t want to go back to that.

It feels nice to have a real friendship.

It feels nice to have people I can trust.

I don’t wanna go back- but I-

I’m a bad person- I’ve been such a dickhead for so long-

Really it’s just inevitable right?

I-

Ripped from my thoughts, I go wide eyed when Gordon says “Hey.” and offers me his arm.

“The others are waiting. C’mon…” he says with a smile.

. . . 

I take his arm and walk with him, catching up to the others.

. . .

My face is burning with flusteredness as I walk beside him.

I look down at the tiles below for a moment.

...This is okay, right…?

… Like… this… this is okay…

I’m not the same person who did all those things anymore…

Well-

I am.

I’m not even gonna act like I didn’t do all the things I did…

Cause I did them…

But…

I’m not… the  _ same. _

I’ve changed…

I’ve still got a hell of a long way to go…

But I… I think I’ve changed enough to say…

If I got my powers offered back to me…

I’d just say no…

. . . 

I don’t need powers to be noticed…

Not anymore…

They’ve noticed me… I’ve got support…

I trust my friends…

I-...

**This is okay.**

… This is okay.

I smile to myself slightly

I look up at Gordon… I study his face, slowly…

He seems… content I think…

“Y-..you have grey hairs…” I offhandedly remark in astonishment.

. . .

I blush darkly and cover my mouth when Gordon looks down to me-

I immediately assume I fucked up. 

But... he just chuckles a bit.

“Yeah, I do. I’ve been stressing recently so they kinda just popped up… but y’know. Grey hairs are kinda inevitable anyway, so I don’t really worry about it.

I chuckle a bit.

“I’d probably have grey hairs if I had a fucking hair texture to begin with.” I say.

We both break out into a short burst of laughter as we continue walking out of Black Mesa.

. . . 

I’m actually  _ laughing with him… _

Holy fuck.

This feels good…

It feels great…!

I’ve been missing out on true friendship…

God…

It feels good.

“So,” Gordon says “heard you’re lgbt…” he chuckles “I mean, you kinda have to be if you’re in love with me, right?”

I blush darkly and nod “Y-..yeah…” I said.

“Mind telling me…?”

I look at him and smile a bit… I already know he’s gonna accept me no matter what I say…

Why hold back…?

“...I am… home of sexual, and trans of gender bro…non of binary...” I say, with nervous, as I attempt to make a joke.

It works.

Gordon laughs a bit and smiles at me “Cool bro! I’m a home of sexual too. And you're trans of gender…? Rad bro… Totally epic.” he says.

I smile and laugh as I feel my face  _ burning  _ with blush.

It feels like my body’s been set on  _ fire _ . But… in a good way…?

My heart is absolutely pounding out of my chest- it’s all I can hear besides our silly laughter.

Man…

I want this to last forever…

Just joking and laughing…

I wanna distance myself from the me that did those horrible things.

It was me…

But it was not the me I am right now…

It’s not the me who’s smiling, and laughing, and feeling  **_love_ ** of  _ all kinds _ for the first time in years.

“So… you’re nonbinary? What’s your pronouns?”

“He/him, they/them…”

Gordon smiled and nodded at me.

. . . 

“Hey…” I start speaking impulsively…

I immediately wanna back out but- 

It’s too late…

I’ve got his attention.

I…

I want to tell him…

That I’m not the same anymore…

I wanna tell him that he’s changed me… And I’m still changing, in ways I could never imagine.

That I’m becoming…

A better person…

Slowly but surely…

I’m… getting better…

How do I say that…?

How do I show him I’m…

Better…?

. . . 

I frown as I try to gather words and splice them together into a coherent sentence…

None of they really convey what I feel…

Fuck...

I’m so bad at talking…

Maybe…

I should  _ do _ something instead…?

But what would I do??

What makes sense?

Does anything make sense???

Oh shit, oh fuc-

“Is something wrong, Benrey?”

. . . 

That’s it…! 

I know what I can do…

I look up at Gordon with a big, bright smile as I say...

"From this moment forward..."

“...Call me Bernard…” 


	10. Only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey realizes what he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this fic yall. Hope you enjoy it, and enjoy 2021 <3

“Bernard?” Gordon questioned.

I nodded in response with sincerity.

I smile to myself softly and look up a bit.

“Yeah dude.” I said “I mean… I wouldn’t mind if you still called me Benrey of course… That’s my name too, but… I think I like the sound of that a little better.” I explain.

I feel the wind blow through me softly before I look back up at Gordon.

…

Sometimes I forget…that… he isn’t like me and the others…

He’s got… another world.

Another life to attend to.

I close my eyes and imagine what it may be like out there…

Is it like this…?

No matter how much things move in this plane of existence… everything still manages to feel stagnant.

How does your world feel, Gordon…? Is constantly moving and revolving…?

Ever changing and growing…?

Does it… have room for one more person…?

A person like me…?

I’d like to go there one day…

“Um... “ I hear Gordon say.

I look up to see him seeming flustered and speechless, his cheeks flushed.

“Huh…?” I asked before going wide eyed with a realization-

In embarrassment I cover my mouth as I feel my face heat up with humiliation.

“D-...” I stutter “D-Did I… say that out loud…? 

He awkwardly nodded and bluntly said “Yeah.” 

Almost immediately I stutter out an apology and look away in shame.

“N-No- hey, don’t apologize… It was kinda… poetic, in a way. I guess that’s why it threw me off. I’m used to you sounding like a walking shitpost is all.” he said with a chuckle.

I feel myself deadpan with a hint of blush.

. . . 

Y’know, I guess that is how I talk…

. . . 

I laugh awkwardly “Yeah” I say.

“T-To…. To answer your question…” Gordon started to reply, I gave him my full attention as I listened to him. “Yeah… My world…. It’s-… it’s always changing. It’s big, and large, and-... honestly-.... I-it.. it’s scary…” he said. He looked-.... He looked… sad, and rather… how do I describe it…? Disappointed…? Like he was recollecting something unpleasant… “It’s not a fun place, Benrey… I’m not sure if I want you to come out here… Why-” he hesitated for a moment.

I can see something shining in his eye….

. . . 

I-...

Oh no…

“W-Why do you think I spend so much of my time here…?” he asked, as a tear fell down his cheek.

Panicking I stammer-

I don’t know what to stay to him, I have and flap my hands back and forth a bit as I try to figure out what to do-

Impulsively, I get in front of him.

I stand on the tips of my toes and I gently wipe his tears away with my thumb as I murmur “Nononono-” 

“Gordsss don’t- stop crying man- It’s okay, it’s okay!!!” I say frantically. “I’m sorry I just- the idea of being with you out there, I-” I can feel myself beginning to blush a bit “I dunno- it sounds… nice..?” I admit “I… wanna...be with you, Gordon..” I say, before standing flat on my feet again.

. . .

“But you already knew that, didn’t you…?” I asked quietly, recalling the incident that took place earlier.

The both of us fall silent…

Even if we’re friends now…

He doesn’t love me…

I can just-.... I just feel it…

. . .

I tear up and resist the urge to cry before I feel Gordon grab my hands tightly.

“Benrey listen.” he said “I don’t want you getting all sad on me, when I tell you this but-”

I close my eyes and brace myself to be humiliated, or demeaned or- just- chastised in some sort of way”

But-

Instead, he just holds me closely…

“I like you…” he said… “I like you  _ alot… _ ” 

“But I’m not ready to date you, Benrey…” 

I freeze in his arms, stiffening up as tension filled the air.

“As much time as we spent together down there- I realized… I don’t… really  _ know you _ , Benrey.” he said “I thought I did… I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, but I didn’t…. I thought I had our relationship thoroughly defined before… but now… now it’s not so clear anymore… I don’t know you at all… All I really know about you is… you like video games… and I know you’ve got deeper issues than I ever could’ve anticipated….” he replied.

I mean-...

I-... It's true...

I don't think I know as much about Gordon as I thought I did either...

It was stupid of me to think this could work out I-...

I...

“S-...so… is…” I hesitated… “I-...Is it a no…?”

“No…” Gordon replied “Of course it’s not a no- I-.... It’s just… a ‘not now’.... You got that, Bernard…?”

I immediately feel my eyes start to sting once more as I tear up.

I nearly go limp as I relax into the hug, as a huge sense of relief overcomes me.

“I’d be happy to date you when the time is right…” he continues explaining “But right now isn’t the right time… okay…?” 

“Okay…” I say, my voice wavering and overcome with emotion.

“How about we hang out more…? As actual friends and-... we can see where it goes from there…. Okay…?” he asked.

“Okay…” I reply once more.

I want to repress my urge to cry.

I don’t want the tears to com out.

I don’t wanna appear weak.

I don’t wanna be vulnerable…

But I can’t help it…

I melt into his arms and wrap my arms around him, returning the hug.

I cry.

I cry  _ alot _ .

I don’t care anymore.

I don’t care if I make a scene.

I don’t care if I look weak.

I don’t care if I broadcast my feelings to the world…

I don’t care anymore…

Cause…

I  _ am _ weak…

I  _ am _ vulnerable…

And I can’t help it…

After all…

I’m only human.


End file.
